Nov 15, 2019

15. Can this special love have a good side? ( Part 2 )

Guo Zhi ran back to the hotel. The tears keep flowing can't stop. He stared at the reflection of his face reflected instantly an unforgettable old memory emerged from his deepest heart.

The sky on that day looked cloudy blue.  Guo Zhi, who was still on the middle school student came home with a backpack on his back. He already realized that he was different from others and was proud of it. He is always happy, there is no reason to be sad.

"Mom, I'm home." Guo Zhi entered the house then put his bag in his room.

"You're home early. I just came from the market to buy some fruit. Wait, I'll wash them first."


Hearing the sound outside, Guo Yunyong came out of the room with a newspaper in his hand. "How was your first day at school? There were no obstacles right?" The development of learning, achievements and the future of Guo Zhi is something that only the middle-aged man cares about.

"Very good. Teachers in schools are very responsible and students are also fun."  Guo Zhi answered seriously.

Guo Yunyong nodded in satisfaction. "You have to increase the value of your English. You have to study harder in middle school."

"I know."

"Tomorrow Dad will accompany you to the bookstore to buy English books."


Guo Yunyoung turned on the TV, changed the news broadcast then lit a cigarette while holding his feet along with Zhou Hui appearing with fruit that had been washed. She looked softly at Guo Zhi then rubbed his head. "Our Guo Zhi is very obedient. I am sure you will get a good wife in the future. Is there someone you like right now?" Teased Zhou Hui.

"What nonsense are you saying that?"  interrupted Guo Yunyong.

Guo Zhi biting an apple with eyes fixed on the TV. His face was innocent and his eyes were clear with nature he said, "But I don't like women. Looks like I like men." After saying that, the atmosphere was suddenly silent, only the sound from the TV was heard. The fruit knife in Zhou Hui's hand came loose and fell to the floor.

Guo Yunyong's eyes narrowed and coldly looked at Guo Zhi. "You ... What did you just say?"

Guo Zhi was still unconscious and focused on watching TV while swinging his legs. "I don't like women, it seems like I like men." He repeat.

Guo Yunyong gritted his teeth. He put out his cigarette then turned off the TV and looked at Guo Zhi. "Who taught you to say this?"

"No, nobody." Guo Zhi realized that the look on his father's face had changed.

"Where did you learn it?"

Guo Zhi shook his head strongly. Guo Yunyong went to Guo Zhi's room then returned with his son backpack. Unzip the bag roughly and discard the contents of the bag to the floor. "You must have read a strange book? Be honest with me!" Guo Yunyong looked for reasons why Guo Zhi came to say such a thing. Really not to be trusted.

Guo Yunyong is angry. He threw the empty bag at Guo Zhi.

Guo Zhi retreated back on the sofa. He was confused and stunned. Do not understand what was done wrong until his father turned angry like that. He hesitantly asked, "Is it wrong if I like men?"

Guo Yunyong stepped forward and grabbed Guo Zhi's arm to pull him up. Guo Zhi's forehead puckered feeling sore but noiseless. "How can you say that shameful word? Aren't you disgusted?" Zhou Hui intervened, "Guo Zhi, you're just kidding, right? Quickly tell your dad it's just a joke."

"Do you see his face as if he was joking? Take it easy! I will educate him. He does not realize the magnitude of the mistake he made."

Aware of being different from others makes the feelings of those around him hurt, making Guo Zhi turn pale.

Guo Yunyong's face turned red with anger while dragging Guo Zhi make the apple in his hand fall and roll on the floor.

"Where did you learn that? Like men? Try it if you dare say such disgusting things."  Snapped Guo Yunyong.

Guo Zhi was scared, his body shivered. "I... I can't like men?"

Hearing that, Guo Yunyong was increasingly ignited. He grabbed the rattan and whipped Guo Zhi's body without hesitation. "How dare you say that. You're abnormal!"

..."You are sick!" added him then whips again.

..."You're mentally handicapped!"

..."I raised you not to be gay!"

..."How are you going to deal with the outside world being someone like that animal descendant. You really made me and your mother angry."

Every sentence that was brought up was followed by a whip. The sound of rattan hitting his skin echoed. Guo Zhi whimpered in pain trying to avoid. Words and whips made pain through his body.  Guo Zhi cried, he could not take it anymore. "Dad, don't hit again. This hurts, so much hurts!"

"It hurts! You know it hurts and still dare to say you like men. I never thought in my life how could I have a useless son like you. Did you also say this out there?"

"No, I didn't say that."

"It's better not. Do you want to be made a mockery of everyone?"

Pain and pain. Guo Zhi, who is still 13 years old, cries miserably under a cane.  Zhou Hui stood behind Guo Yunyong. She dared not speak. Her heart was hard to see Guo Zhi but she was also disappointed. She did not understand how her son could say that. She just cried silently.

Guo Zhi saw his mother's disappointed face from his blurred eyes. His father's angry face explaining that he likes men is not something to be proud of, but the wrong thing that will bring so much pain to him and his family. He feels very guilty, feels very disgusted with himself, can't like men, can't like men, this is wrong.

"Look at yourself Guo Zhi. You're a man too." Guo Yunyong continued to whip him and was greeted by screams of Guo Zhi's pain.

"Dad, don't hit me. Don't hit me again. Please ... It hurts." Guo Zhi's body is not strong enough to hold it. He cried and begged for mercy. Tears fell on his clothes.

"Say you won't like men and become abnormal!"

Guo Zhi shook his head strongly.

"Say it!"

"It hurts! No, I don't like men."

"You know if you're wrong, right?"

"I... I know!" A bruise on Guo Zhi's body became injured. Blood gushed out seeping in his clothes.

"These wounds and pain are good memories for you. This will remind you that you are not gay."

Guo Yunyong threw the rattan on the floor and walked into his room in anger.

Zhou Hui rushed to support Guo Zhi's weak body. The tears keep flowing. Deal with Guo Zhi's wound in silence. The boy's lips were pale with trembling fingers wiping tears from his mother's face. "Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't make your heart ache like this. Everything is my fault. I won't say that again. Sorry. Don't cry."


14. Can this special love have a good side?

Both are on vacation but not like people who enjoy holidays in general. All they do is stay in the hotel room. Shi Xi sat on the bench near the window with his feet on his feet. He continued to stare at the laptop screen that lights up sometimes writing lots of sentences but in the end didn't know what to write. Can someone write all their lives? Maybe when you're tired of repeating words, that's the best way to find the right time to end it. Guo Zhi sat in front of Shi Xi, staring at the manuscripts scattered on the table, scribbled on used paper.

[ He has the appearance of a city person, he has a famous voice, he has gold and silver jewelry, he is wrapped in satin brocade, but also has a heartbreaking loneliness.

He smiled in front of the guests with a smile, but also with a smile like that to let different men and women pollute their bodies, this is his mask, unable to survive without taking off. He smiled and laughed, laughed and tears flowed from his eyes, no matter who was hugged or who he hugged, could not reduce his loneliness.  Finally, he decided to leave. He ran away with his loneliness.

He felt very relaxed. He thought everything would start again. But one person wants to start this idea again, and in the end it's just a good hope. However, he was captured by some brave men who were sent by the old man. They tore his satin brocade, took his gold and silver jewelery, smashed his face with a knife, his body was crushed, and finally it was cold.  The tip of his knife pierced his heart, his blood flowed out, his body slowly began to cool, he got short freedom, and he died forever.  He was kicked into a dirty trench and drowned.

God arranges fate for everyone, thinking that he can run away, what can he do after running away? He can enjoy his reputation. His gold and silver jewelery, he could ignore this loneliness, he naively thought he could save himself. In the end, he can't even feel lonely. ]

Guo Zhi read while supporting his chin with his elbows resting on the paper. He then looked at Shi Xi who was looking out the window. "Shi Xi, why do you write fiction with sentences that are so heavy? Do you also want people who read them to feel heavy too?"

"The world itself is already heavy."

"Then," Guo Zhi looked at the object outside the window then looked back at Shi Xi. "Help the world to reduce pain, words can not only warm others, but also yourself."

They were only separated by a table but Guo Zhi could not see the faint smile on Shi Xi's face.

At 11am both of them went out and stopped at a small restaurant. They don't talk, just enjoy food quietly. Guo Zhi wanted to open a conversation, but his sentence was held back. He thought of his father's rules about impolite speech while eating. Rules like this really curb his freedom.

The rules in the family and his desire to talk to Shi Xi raged in his mind. Guo Zhi can't take it anymore. He bit his chopsticks. "Shi Xi." Just calling out the man's name made Guo Zhi very happy.


"Shi Xi, Shi Xi, Shi Xi ..." He kept calling that name  Rules that have long been followed are now broken. Guo Zhi immediately felt a little relieved. After that, he did many things that he could not do and think before.

"Shi Xi, maybe you are my angel."

"Don't make I lose my appetite."

..."I saw a little child in his mother's arms over there. Very cute."

..."Shi Xi, what do you think about school and college? Are they the same?"

..."Shi Xi, how much do you think I will grow taller this year?"

Guo Zhi continues to talk no matter eventhough Shi Xi doesn't answer. People come and go in the restaurant. A sparkling smile printed on Guo Zhi's face. Old anecdotes discuss the present. Talking with Shi Xi, he held chopsticks, they sat by the window filled with a crowd of people passing by. But around them as if the blurred object was only the two that were clearly visible.

We always have the desire to tell someone, without stopping, even if the language is repeated, is meaningless, but Guo Zhi just wants to talk to him.

After eating, both of them stood in the hot sun, not knowing where to go. They have no purpose. A couple passes them with happy faces and interlocked hands. Guo Zhi suddenly made a sound. "Don't you think about writing love story?"

"Nothing can be written."

"That's because you never try to know love."

"After finding someone, then?"

"Of course live happily!" Guo Zhi believes that happiness is the end of a love story.  He continued innocently, "Love is a good thing. I think everything has a good side."

"We enjoy time, then? It will only become a memory. How can it survive only with memories?" It breaks Guo Zhi's innocence who wants to enjoy every moment and Shi Xi cares more after that.

"Have you ever had someone?"


"Then find someone good for you." Said Guo Zhi while kicking a pebble. "You should date a girl and try to fall in love. That will help you write a script." Guo Zhi doesn't want to say this sentence. He wants to pull the sentence back after he reflexively said it. Guo Zhi did not understand this thought and he did not want to understand. Maybe Guo Zhi is afraid to understand.

"Try to whom? You? Then you will have a happy ending." Shi Xi's response was insistent.

Hearing that, Guo Zhi's expression was stiff. He shook his head strongly. "I can't. I'm a boy." Strictly speaking.

Shi Xi watched Guo Zhi's reaction and seemed to have noticed what it was.  Either he was born with evil or not, or he finally succeeded in breaking Guo Zhi's emotions.

"But don't you like me?"

The question immediately caused pain.  Guo Zhi's face was pale, his hand raised uncontrollably slapping Shi Xi. "No, what are you saying? I don't like you. I'm not gay."

Guo Zhi looked at Shi Xi with tears flowing. His expression was pale and trembling. He screamed hysterically. "I'm not gay. I'm not gay. In this life the thing I hate the most is being gay." After saying that, Guo Zhi run away.

Shi Xi wants to see another expression on that face besides a smile. Now he sees it but he regret it.

Guo Zhi ran fast. His fingers trembled he could not hold anything. Not only the external body, internal organs also feel pain.

Will be seen strange by people, will be ridiculed. Will be treated like a monster, will be blasphemed by everyone including their own biological parents.

So can this special love have a good side?  No, no...